James’ Poor Brain

You’re probably (definately) aware of this program that starts tonight with Billie Piper in it, called Secret Diaries of a Call Girl. It’s on BBC3 or ITV2 or something else that isn’t good enogh for the proper channels, and, like most TV shows with this much hype (see Heroes), it’s likely to be shit.

It’s got Billie Piper, for god’s sake. No-one with teeth that can double as a runway for small aircraft could possibly come accross as sexy. Instantly, the show’s main draw - there’s sex in it, although probably still mostly-clothed and not so much as a handful of visible boob - is lost, except for frustrated 14-year-olds. Which was probably the target audience in the first place. So it can’t be that bad.

But anyway, it’s actually based on a blog, by shady prostitute-type ‘Belle de Jour’ (not her real name, becasue only cool people hide their identities on the internet). Since every newspaper, TV guide, magazine, website, billboard, terrestial TV channel advert break and banner attached to the back of a low-flying aeroplane has made this show the most important thing since a four-year-old girl nobody has ever met, I decided to read said blog.

Since this blog has been the Guardian’s Blog of the Year and has since spawned two books (well, with recognition like an award from the Guardian, people must have been breaking down her door for book deals), you’d expect some top-notch writing.

Bullshit. It’s not the worst blog I’ve ever read, but I fail to see how this would make good TV. Or good literature. Or a good blog. It’s the whole “Diary” thing I am know to despise, except with the words “cornflakes for breakfast” replaced with “cock”. Yawn. At one point she compares potential boyfriends, calling them “Bachelor Candidates” or something. Snore. Why am I reading an issure of Bliss magazine with more swearing? The Times said it was “witty and intelligent”. Choice quote:

“I’d rather be peed on than give a blowjob. Fact” 

Wow. I wish I could write like that. 

If you’re a 14-year-old boy, don’t expect any grot, either. Any reference to what is supposed to be her former job (because, as much as she says she enjoyed it and as much as she looks down on anyone who disagrees, she’d much rather live off her book deals after having spent months hunched over a computer) is limited to something about the conversation with a certain client prior to him telling her to “suck him”.

Is this supposed to be offensive or something? I’ve been more outraged over the price of cookies at secondary school. No, whilst she posseses the whole “Up yours” demeanor to her detractors, as if acting like she doesn’t care will shield her from criticism, this isn’t offensive or shocking. It’s something even worse: boring.

The only point where I though “Nuts to you, bitch” rather than “I’m hungry” was when she was reacting to the controversy surrounding the Billie Piper program:

“Unless you’re a sex worker or knows a sex worker intimately, you’ve got no. Fucking. Clue”

No shit? Whilst not all of us have the pride and integrity to take up a career in writing about who we sleep with, by your logic, only the Nazis are allowed to express their thoughts and opinions on fascism. Sex workers don’t own the opinion on sex working, just like Belle de Jour doesn’t own the opinion on immeasuarble dullness.

I was informed today that my blog is too negative, and all I do is complain. I suppressed the urge to point out that by telling me this, said informers were doing exactly what they don’t like about me, and decided to write a happy, loving piece of literaracy instead.

Why do I love evryone? Simple - you all give me something to write about. Without other people, my blog would be just another list of what happened at the pub yesterday, like so many other Livejournals*. People make my blog a source of opinion, not just a diary, capable of delivering everything from satire to vitriol-soaked rants. And, lets face it, everyone wants to read these types of blogs more, except that of Belle de Jour*, who got famous by writing about sucking people’s cocks. In a diary format. Whether you disagree or not is irrelevant, since as long as it gets a reaction that sn’t along the lines of “You’re boring”, then it shows just how awesome I am. I was thinking earlier I might start writing a book*, then leave it until I have enough money to pay for it to be published. That’s one of my aims in life, to get a book published - thanks in no small part to all the people who both give feedback (thus proving my writing is effective enough to get a reaction) and also thanks to the people who piss me off enough to make me write something about them.

So, I’d like to take time to give thanks to all the people who make this blog possible: Richard Dawkins for being a racist asshole, Beth Ditto for being a loudmouth heterophobe, Monarch for putting every other word in bold for no reason, the Conservative party for being morons, the Labour party for being morons, the Nazi party for being morons, the Communist party for being morons, the people who said ‘yes!’ to Bratz: The Movie for destroying kicking the integrity of the film industry in the balls, the twats who make up Myspace chain bulletins, fan fiction writers for ruining Ratchet & Clank for me, and, most of all, Me. Without me, none of this would be possible, and the internet would truly be a darker place.

*Things with a star are likely to form new posts in the future. 

You can pin almost any problem these days on the media. If someone kills someone else, it’s the media’s fault. If a pop star gets fat, it’s the media’s fault. If someone has more money than you and you can’t accept it’s because you fail at life, simply blame the media.

Recently, a torrent company called The Piratebay sued a number of the European branches of companies including Sony BMG, EMI and Paramount Home Entertainment. As it turned out, these companies had hired hackers to disrupt Piratebay’s practice of a file-sharing nature.

Usually, I’d agree with Piratebay. It’s wrong to use crime to fight crime, and whilst I don’t** condone Sony and the others, I won’t be siding with TPB. This is purely out of principle - if you use dirty tricks to get around a company’s policies, then what right do you have to sue them for doing the same thing?

As someone on the Muse forums tactly pointed out, “I hope they win this one and get it in the open, how rotten media companies really are.” Yeah, I just hate it when those companies charge you for a product that they designed, produced and packaged for free…oh, wait. Even though the price of a CD doesn’t equal the materials used, the Download Brigade always forget about the thousands of employees involved in the manufacture that need to be paid, and the basic fact is that companies (and I’m going to say this slowly, in case anyone doesn’t get it) need    to    make    a   profit. What, CDs and DVDs are the only things that cost more than the sum of its parts? What about pizza? It doesn’t cost £9.99 for a lump of dough, tomato sauce and cheese, but you wouldn’t eat it and then run out of the restaurant (except that one guy at Pizza Hut…the waiter chased and tackled him outside the front). Likewise, I doubt there’s £12,000 worth of steel in a Honda Civic, but that’s how much it costs and that’s how much honest people pay for it. It may not be cool to side with the record companies, but if you illegally download music or films, then how are you any better than someone who slips an album in their coat at HMV and sneaks out of the door?*

The other main thing that raises my blood pressure about people’s attitude to the media is that anyone who whines about what they see or read is, long story short, a hypocrite.

Anone who has even a passing interest in journalism knows that the first rule is “Give the people what they want”. Madeline McCann (I am NOT calling her ‘Maddy’.) has been on the front page for the last 5 months is because there is a demand to see her. And even by saying “I don’t care about Madeline McCann”, you’re taking enough of an interest to comment about it. If nobody took any interest, the whole thing would vanish from the press. Editors are smart - even if everyone is ranting on about how much they hate a certain subject, including that subject in the papers or on TV will grab their attention, simply because they’re so pissed off by it. So by bitching about something, you’re just fuelling the fire. Similarly, the media is often blamed for having a negative effect on something - never the public, who buy into the media, who are responsible for the offending content by expressing a demand for it.

I hate having to tell people I want to be a journalist, simply because anyone in the media industry is accused of peddling *adopts best ‘lefty liberal’ persona* LIES! LIES FOR THE SAKE OF MONEY!

Fuck off. If you don’t like it, become a hermit.

*who wants to have digital downloads anyway? I’d rather have a gleaming new CD with sleeve notes I can read on the way home than a .wmv file anyday. Especially when it hasn’t been formatted properly, like most things I’ve had to download.

** Ding dong! A typo worth actually worth correcting.

Wenesday was Talk Like a Pirate Day in the UK, and it saddened me to see many potential pirates reigned in by modern standards. It is deemed no longer acceptable to carry a cutlass, pillage other people’s treaure or even command a Ship, either under the age of 17 or without a valid license.

But fear not, for I have a compiled a complete guide for all budding pirates to succeed in the 2000s.

Maintain your vessel properly

Once you’ve got your license, it is important to make sure your ship is checked once every year. Any good mechanic will do it for a fee. This checkup makes sure all your masts are secure, the bow is free from barnacles and that all the indicators are working. Failing to meet these standards is a breach of Pirate Law, which has been changed somewhat over the years to become simply “Law”. Other things to avoid include: sailing after having too much rum, docking on double yellow lines and overtaking another ship in the Atlantic.

Putting your dubloons in a bank will yield more interest than burying it

Whilst simply digging a hole, throwing your gold in and covering it back up before marking with an ‘X’ will save you paperwork, opening a savings or debit card account will probably be the wiser choice. Furthermore, you can save money on crew labour, since you won’t have to recruit some mates to carry your chest of riches around - simply keep your card on you, and you can simply retrieve however much you want when visiting the nearest ATM. Note: small islands in the Pacific rim are not likely to provide man cashpoints, unless a Tesco has been set up.

Treat your crew well

Gone are the days when you could throw a crew member overboard for failing to tie the mastlines correctly. In fact, murder in general is considered a social gaffe. And even if you manage to cover your tracks before the team of Royal Navy Crime Scene Forensic Investigators, you could face a nasty lawsuit from your crew’s union. In fact, anything from refusing them a share of your booty within a month of discovery to simply marooning them on an island can result in an ugly encounter with the Union Rep. However, you can keep them sweet with regular dubloon bonuses, Fridays when they don’t have to wear their pirate garbs and pension schemes.

Make sure the Pirate Workplace meets health and safety standards

Is your first mate constantly tripping over poorly-nailed floorboards on the deck?Are your rum barrels not properly stored in a safe , secure area? Is the bow full of holes? If you answered yes, then your ship is in breach of the Health and Safety At Work Act of 1974 and you are liable for a maximum fine of 5000 pieces of silver or an unlimited fine and jail in the Crown Brig.

Ever since Freddy Mercury, singers (or, more specifically, “frontmen” - any member of the band who only has control of a single aspect of the band and yet is always at the front of photos) have pretty much got all the credit and admiration for his/her band’s work. That and lead guitarists. Did Pete Townshend make up the awesome bass solo in My Generation? Hell no! Did Kurt Cobain play guitar, drums and bass in Nirvana? As if. Does Pete Wentz arrange every aspect of a Fall Out Boy song, let alone make up a decent bassline? No, no, FUCKING NO.

So, here is my tribute to the unsung backline of the music industry - because not all bands are Nine Inch Nails.

Tre Cool (Green Day) - Besides being an awesomely fast, stamina-heavy drummer, Tre Cool is hilarious. One time he dressed up like a Canadian Mountie and snorted doughnut sprinkles. So awesome is this man that, according to punk legend, he once took a unicycle seat to the nads, had one shoot up inside him, and walk away with everything except his vocal chords intact.

Chris ‘Shifty’ Shiflett (Foo Fighters) - Although even I concur that Our Lord Almighty Dave Grohl is the heart and soul of the Foos, Shifty here is the liver and gallbladder. Without him, who would do the utterly eye-watering tremolo solo in Best of You? No-one, that’s who. Pat Smear, hang your head in shame.

Ben Johnston (Biffy Clyro) - His drumming isn’t exactly Portnoy-standard, but he’s one hell of a backing vocalist. Wait, what? That’s right, you fools, sometimes the backing vocals make the lead seem like some drunk gargling Stella. For proof, see the “You WILLLLLLL BE FOOOOOLDING STARS!” bit in Folding Stars.

Tim Commerford (Audioslave/RATM) - “Bom bom bom BAM BAM BAM bom bom bom BAM BAM BAM”. Possibly the greatest intro to a song that only has five lines of lyrics, repeated a billion times.

Kyle Gass (Tenacious D) - With Jack Black robot-ing all over the place, its easy to forget the D’s overweight, sandal-wearing guitarist. But not only is he nothing short of gifted with a mandolin (oh, and guitar. I guess) he also has the best line in the whole film:

Satan: And what if I win?

JB: Then you can take Kage back to Hell.

KG: (long pause)……………………………..what? 

Makes me lol. 

Ian D’Sa (Billy Talent) - Fact: this man, a world-famous guitar wielder, used to be an animator on Angela Anaconda. I shit you not. This utterly bizzare career choice only highlights the sheer genius of this Elvis-haired, British-born (woo!) nutcase’s musical career. The robotic staccato intro to Fallen Leaves. The stabby riffs in This Suffering. The anthemic shouting on Line & Sinker. And, of course, the vocals in the final chorus of The Navy Song - just by listening to it you can tell he sang it with his hands wrapped around the microphone, completely ignorant to the hilariously distorted face he was pulling, and with his eyes about ot pop out of their sockets. Utterly mental. 

If there’s one thing I believe in, it’s Karmic justice. However, this only happens when you do bad stuff and then bad stuff happens to you. If you do good stuff, then you get sod all. So it’s justice, but the worst kind - when I lose.

Anyway, I’ve had a pretty easy life. Nice house, little money problems (I was going to write a rant one time about how I hate people who complain about the middle class, usually left wing people, who I suspect do it out of jealousy after failing at life and end up living in a council flat), and I sailed through school with little stress or other problems.  However, I always noticed that a good proportion of people came very close to crashing and burning completely, but it never happened to me.

However! Now I’ve started college, things are starting to unravel somewhat. I didn’t get in either of my first two course choices, and now I’m officially out of Music Tech -  the one I was least likely to think “Oh, great. (Subject) AGAIN” about. The most interesting explanation - ie, one which isn’t “a coincidence” -  is that after 16 years of nothing particularly irksome happening,  something most irksome is DEFINATELY happening.

Well, fuck that! As of today, I am going to kick approximately 400% more ass, in order to counteract this rather irritating turn of events. And as for the karmic payback this increased awesomness will result in….I’ll deal with it when I’m 32. 

If you think I’M Obsessive in my love of Muse, you’ve obviously haven’t visited www.muselife.tv. On this site you can purchase all manner of mad Muse merchandise. And this isn’t your average fare…

**NEW**
HIDEOUS HOWARD - Dom Howard’s Lime Green
Using cutting edge technology, we havent managed to perfectly recreate Dom Howard’s favourite colour, entitled “HIDEOUS HOWARD”. Paint your house, car or dog with this multipurpose paint.
RRP £19.99 per 6litre tin

TIRO Clock
Hey make sure your Time Isn’t Running Out! Let MUSE help you be punctual with this attractive wallclock. Comes with 1xAA Battery for testing (requires 2 AA)
RRP £. 14.99

**NEW**
Plug-In Babycom
Keep tabs on your baby with our unique PLUG-IN BABYCOM. Not only can you hear them, plug it in for reliablity and wall mount it, it also features a hardwired Nursery Rhyme adoptattion of the MUSE classic Plug-In Baby.
RRP £14.99 Per 5m roll

But these are mere brickabrac compared to these…

**NEW**
Loveframe
Complete with homoerotic photo of Chris and Dom from the band MUSE. Hey ladies, watch out!!
RRP £. 4.99  (Bigger Picture)

**NEW**
“Dombread”
Freshly baked and sent out immediately, not only do you get the tasty nutrious satisfaction of bread, but the face of Dominic Howard will look at you as well.
You can literally eat Dom!
£1.50 perloaf   (Bigger picture)

 Frightening.

I thought I’d give a new writing style a go today, largely because (after seeing it being used) I’m thoroughly convinced that nothing makes an argument more balanced and well-thought out than text that is slightly thicker than the rest of the text.

Who needs rational argument! I’ll just embolden every fifth word. THAT’LL make my argument more convincing and generally better. After all, my rants, whilst not on the same par as rants on the picture quality of a Paris Hilton cartoon, are already so brilliant and, lets face it, USEFUL to my reader, that bold text is surely the only way to make them better!

Yesterday was the official 1 year anniversary of this blog. To commemerate this occasion, I present to you a behind-the-scenes look at some facts and figures behind your favourite blog.com-hosted rant house.

226- The number of tags attached to my pages. The actual number of posts could be anything from 100 to 200, I can’t be bothered to check.

64- The largest amount of pageviews I’ve had on a single day.

5- The number of times I have been contacted via this blog by someone I’ve never met

3- The number of wussy cry-baby atheists who can’t tell the bloody difference between “I hate Richard Dawkins” and “I well and truly believe that every single thing Richard Dawkins says is scientifically innaccurate and there is nothing I would like more than a pretenciously complicated debate about him and his theories with some prick I’ve never met”.

80%- Approx. the amount of comments I receive with at least one spelling error (inc. myspace)

100%- EXACTLY the amount of comments I receive with at least one spelling error (myspace only)

Too many to count- the number of times I’ve had to supress a sarcastic, cynical response to criticism and had to settle for *bleh* calm and rational debate when someone who is blatantly wrong keeps sending me messages

1- The number of my former teachers who I know to have seen this blog

0- My skill with a bass guitar, according to people who disagree with me

At least 1- the number of times Sophie cheated on my Christamas quiz by using (Heretic!) a search engine

2.5- approx. the amount my hair has grown since starting this blog (in inches)

?- The number of people who will read this on myspace and think “Duhh, but he only write things since July”. Go to easilyamused.blog.com, fools.

1- The number of times I will get bored thinking of stats and will decide to finish this post.

WARNING: You are likely to be offended by this, and if you read will probably never talk to me again. Just saying. 

As you probably know by now, I didn’t get into English Language OR Media Studies AS levels. I should be spitting my own blood, punctuting words with “wha…wha…wha…” and writing angry letters to every employee of Cirencester College, but I can barely feel gutted.  Even my Nan is more annoyed than me.

Why is this? Simple - I’m not the loser here. Cirencester College is. I’m AWESOME at English, and Media too. I have a pretty high modesty level, but my skill at English is clearing it in formal shoes. I kick so much ass in those subjects my foot hurts. Sure, Ciren could have had me on the course, boosting up their average scores (this may sound conceited, but just try and deny it) but they chose not to by only accepting a set amount of people who get their applications in early, regardless of their GCSE results (assuming its a C or higher). I’d bet my left nut there is at least one person on the English Language course who got a C in GCSE English, and yet is denying both me or anyone else who did better than them a place in the course purely because they got their application in before anyone else.

Its not just me - all accross the country, high-achieving students are being denied access to study their best subjects because colleges continue to use the “First come, first served” rule when accepting new applicants. Speed of replies isn’t a representation of knowledge or skill, you chumps! If colleges took results over speedy replies there would be less incompetant workers and crushingly unsatisfied employees, because people would actually learn the skills they originally wanted to learn instead of having to choose something else, soemthing they obviously had little interest in doing, a week before enrolement!

Whaddya know, I CAN get annoyed after all. Look at that.