James’ Poor Brain

I’m very angry today, blog-wise. Meh. I’m smiling in real life, cos I find writing this fun.

Anyway, my myspace bulletin board is currently being pummelled by some rubbish about six e-miles long which basically contains a million pictures of army-type blokes. Above each picture is some shit about how I have a shower and how HE, the GODLY YET UNSUNG SUPERHERO IN CAMO GEAR, LETS ALL WORSHIP HIM, doesn’t. Strangely the exact same bulletin plaqued me a few months ago, and for some reason it’s popped up again.

Oh! I’m so sorry! How dare I have a shower when this guy is in Iraq! Obviously I should have stopped bathing back in 2003. Here some other feeble attempts to make me feel guilty about not living in poverty…

You complain of a “headache”, and call in sick.

He gets shot at as others are hit, and keeps moving forward.

Except  I’ve never missed a shift at work. And what do mean by “headache”? Do they not exist? Am I supposed to put up with it because some guy thousands of miles away wandered into a warzone? Me not being shot at won’t stop people shooting at him.

You put on your anti war/don’t support the troops shirt, and go meet up with your friends.

He still fights for your right to wear that shirt.

a) I have no such shirt. I wouldn’t even think of buying such a shirt. Ergo, no-one is fighting for my right to wear ANY shirt. b) That’s funny, I don’t remember George Bush making a speech about how Saddam Hussein is trying to stop James Archer wearing a shirt. Nothing about WMDs, then? Or (whisper it) oil?

You hug and kiss your girlfriend, like you do everyday.

He holds his letter close and smells his love’s perfume.

Wow, this one actually works! Because a soldier smelt a letter, I’ve decided I’m never going to hug, kiss or have any contact with my girlfriend that shows any kind of affection. It just wouldn’t be fair on him. Cough.

BOLLOCKS. There is not a single soldier in Irag, Afganistan or anywhere else in the world that was forced to go there. Back in WW2 people have been forced to sign up, but that doesn’t happen anymore. People choose to join the army. Surely they couldn’t have expected to not do any service whatsoever? Having to be away from their loved ones and not have hot and cold running water is part of the job, and whilst I commend them for putting up with it, I can hardly muster up sympathy if they knew it was coming. I doubt the person who made this bulletin has actually been in the army - if they had, they would understand that there’s just now way around the downsides, and no good could come from bitching at people at home on myspace. Uhh, YOU’RE AT HOME ON MYSPACE TOO, ASSWIPE. 

But, for all this, its the last paragraph that really gets me.

If you support your troops, the click “reply to poster” copy all the codes, and repost the bulliten.

If you don’t support your troops well, then don’t re-post. You won’t die in 7 days, your love life won’t be affected, and you won’t have the worst day ever. You don’t have to repost. It’s not like you know the men and women that are dying to preserve your rights.

At least they didn’t threaten me with death by Salmon rape. But emotionally blackmailing me to repost a bulletin? That’s low. At least the salmon rape people are joking.

How is this bulletin supposed to help “my” troops? They won’t read it. This bulletin won’t bring them home where they belong. How dare you suggest its my fault, by having rights, that the war is happening?! The chances of my rights being infringed by the penniless AK47-wielding thugs that make up the general oppostion in foreign theatres are slim to none. Maybe if they had large nukes? Oh wait, they don’t. And, since that was the entire point of the war in the first place, there is NO POINT of them being there. So not only are they not fighting for MY rights, but they have very little point being there in the first place. So no, I don’t support our troops, Mr Myspace Bulletin. I don’t want them to get shot; far from it. I want them to be safe. I sure as hell won’t feel guilty because they’re not.

Saw this headline on MSN today and thought “Brilliant!”

Why? Because hopefully other countries will follow suit, only instead of Scientologists who are boffing Katie Holmes AND ARE NOT GAY!!!! HONEST!!!!!, other annoying pop culture figures.

Here are some examples:

ENGLAND BANS PETE WENTZ

ENGLAND BANS THE GUY WHO PLAYS SEAN IN CORONATION STREET

ENGLAND BANDS STEVEN SPIELBERG

And, instead of having a crazy-assed religion, the crimes that people are banned for include such things as being a big attention-seeking fish-faced sellout, acting exceedingly gay for no reason whatsoever except to annoy straight people, and making crappy films where everyone dies.

Evidently, an Earth-like planet called Gliese 581 c has been found not too far from here.

I for one think this is extremely cool. Not so much for the possibility of life on other planets, but for the possiblity to explore.

A whole bloody planet, bigger than ours but still with the right conditions to maintain life. I’d certainly like to get on an easyRocket (well, they do hotels and pizzas now) and have a look around.

Best case secenario, its a beautiful, mystical world like at the beginning of the Sing for Absolution video without the buildings. Worst case, a featureless desert. Like at the end of the Sing For Absolution video, without Parliament. 

In light of the recent events at Virginia Tech University (nasty, that) I have found myself spending a lot of my time on Wikpedia, reading about similar events.

Is it normal for me to find the Columbine High School Massacre of 1999 interesting rather than horrifying? Surely this can mean one of two things:

1- I have a subconsciencous desire to be a criminalist or something similar (I also, it should be said, love CSI)

2- I find it fascinating because I am destined to go into school and machine-gun people to death.

I don’t want to machine-gun people to death! I’m just intrigued that other people feel the need to! Is there something wrong with me?!