Bah! Every time I see or read about Beth Ditto (singer from re-releasing one-hit berks The Gossip, creators of that song in the Skins advert. Skins is also quite shit, by the way) I want to pull my eyebrows off. Interviews with her tend to go like this:

Interviewer: <question about music, not making references to anything other than music whatsoever>

Ditto: Its about homophobia, which exists in every white heterosexual man in existance, regardless of whether I know him or not and whether his opinion actually means shit. Also, I’m gay. Did I mention that? I’m very, very gay.

Way to strike a blow for equal rights, Beth! Angry man-hating accusations of fascism speak louder than actual evidence of said fascism ever could. You’re so right - being a white, straight bloke makes my opinion moot. And good work on reminding us that you’re gay; after all, it is the most important thing about music, isn’t it? Oh.

People like her suck. I’d bet a good deal of homophobia exists not because of fear or ignorance, but because everyone else is just plain pissed off at people who won’t shut up about who they like to sleep with. Being homosexual is hardly “radical”, as Beth puts it. How are the millions of non-annoying gay people supposed to achieve equal rights and break down misconceptions with bitches like Ditto around?

Get a clue. She’s the hardly the only overweight perosn in showbuisness either. Apparently she likes to take off her clothes at shows, because, obviously, that makes her unique and cool. One time she even took her knickers off as well. Nice, you can add “Attention-seeking whore” to your list of social stereotypes you seem so keen on categorising yourself into, on the grounds that you “don’t care”. Yeah? Try telling that to the thousands of people with weight-related eating disorders or who are too afraid to express their sexuality. Although, what with your tireless campaigning against things like this (by which I mean ‘writing a song with ambiguous lyrics that might be about George W. Bush. Like no-one else has disagreed with him before’) I doubt there are any cases left.

Further reading: The people Beth Ditto can’t be arsed to be

Matt Foreman’s site (LGBT Activist)

Jo Moreley’s site (Big People UK)

I had this idea whilst I was bored at my boring job. Ever been browsing over a website/forum of something you’re into (Band, book series, TV show etc.) when you sudeenly stumble upon a section entitled “Creativity” or something to that effect? If you have, it almost definately contained the scourge of the written word - Fan Fiction.

I found quite a lot from some links off Uncyclopedia (it still makes me laugh). Theres a reason the original writers of any given show/book didn’t include a certain storyline/scenario/romantic relationship - its because it would have made it shit. So what the writers of this stuff (supposedly “fans”) are doing is butchering their favourite established universe with their own writings. Can’t be much of a fan then, really. REAL writers write what makes a good story - fan fiction writers write what they and only they want to hear.

But wait, there’s more! Rather than leaving the writing to those who are paid to do it, largely because they have actual skill, ANYONE can write fan fiction, regardless of their obvious lack of writing talent. They don’t even make up thier own characters, locations, themes…they just take it all from the original writer and copy and paste into their own scribblings. But of course, if they were good enough to make up their own characters, they’d probably write more than two pages per installment.

Which they don’t.

But these shortcomings seem insignificant when compared with my main gripe - SLASH.

I hate slash. Making a character (or, most of the time, characters) suddenly turn gay/lesbian/pansexual isn’t a genius stroke of creative license - its stupid. Characters are of a certain sexuality because it relates to their personality (IN FICTION ONLY - LEAVE ALL POORLY-THOUGHT-OUT “HOMOPHOBE!!” COMMENTS AT THE DOOR, FOOLS). Don’t deny it, when have you last seen a hard-as-nails army commander batting for both sides? But its not as bad as when characters are PROVEN to be straight (I’m going to use, umm, let me see…Harry Potter? Yeah, he’ll do as an example) and yet overzealous fans continue to place them in embarrasingly homoerotic scene. Why, thats a great idea! Combine inexplicable changes to a character with the hardest fiction genre to get right - erotic fiction!

Harry touched Draco’s skin as he felt his wand harden… 

I can’t go on, it’s so hilariously stupid. Who reads this stuff? Paedophiles? No-one likes paedophiles, why write fiction for them?

In the 3 years or so I’ve had proper access to the internet, I’ve found one good piece of fan fiction, entitled ‘18th Century Muse’, and was basically about three chaps with the same names as the members of Muse in 18th century Britain. Very Casanova, but I stopped bothering to read after the site it was hosted on changed, so it can’t have been that good. But I didn’t immediately dismiss it for the following reasons:

- It DIDN’T just copy existing characters. As well as two prominent, entirely fictional female leads, Matt, Chris and Dom all had unique personalities and backgrounds (they weren’t even in a band together).

- The DID have a unique storyline and setting, ie. Muse didn’t just go on holiday and start humping each other.

- It DID have a decent length. Most fan fiction I’ve inflicted on myself lasted seldom over a page. This one was at least 30 pages long when I stopped reading it, andthe end was hardly in sight.

Conclusion - if you want to write fiction, take an English class. Do a Creative Writing course or something. Then maybe you can learn to make up your own material, rather than stealing stuff from established writers and throwing in the word “ample” every now and then.

I was in the shower today and suddenly thought “Hey, I REALLY hate Richard Dawkins”. As you do. But seriously, few people I’ve never met piss me off as much as this guy. 

He has an arrogance level that even Maddox would find a bit excessive. What kind of twat spends years of his life dedicated to preaching about how other people are wrong and he is right? Is he not aware of the phrase “Live and let live”? Apparently not. It’s hard to have principles when your head is so far up your own arse you can see out of your mouth, I suppose.

Which makes it even harder to swallow his crackpot ideals. Eradicating religion altogether? Making everyone have the same beliefs and generally just like you? Hmm, I have the strangest feeling I’ve heard that somewhere else. Why is it that when people like Abu Hamza act all “People different to me suck” he’s (rightly) extradited, but when Dawkins does the same thing in his books, “He’s a genius! Why SHOULD we respect the opinions of these religious morons?” Ummm, because if you don’t then you’re a dick? Way to incite racial hatred, asshole. Or should I say racist.

Sigh. Maybe I’d be able to cut him some slack if he actually got the point every now and then. Case in point: The Dawkins Delusion. In a letter to the The Times, Dawkins said that the book’s author, Alister McGrath, “has now published two books with my name in the title” and wondered whether the professor was building a career by “riding on his back”.

The hell? Did he forget to read the book? Evidently so, or else he would have had a little more to say than this. Want some ideas, Richard? Why don’t you try countering McGrath’s theories, which actually matter, rather than moaning about how he writes books with your name in? You crybaby.

But that’s not all, folks! Ever seen the episode of South Park he was in? Rather than using his beloved science and logic to dismiss his less-than-flattering portrayal, he simply complained about how “they could at least have got an actor that could draw a proper British accent.”

But here’s the clincher. Ever heard any stories of how Catholic priests molest their young church-goers? Nasty stuff. Dawkins had this to say on the matter:

“Odious as the physical abuse of children by priests undoubtedly is, I suspect that it may do them less lasting damage than the mental abuse of bringing them up Catholic in the first place.”

What. A. Dick. This is definately in my top five Stupidest Things I’ve Ever Heard. Was he ever molested as a child? Fuck no. What gives him the right to spout this shit?

Anyway, the aformentioned unfortunate series of events was also the subject of a song by a band called Billy Talent . The song, Devil In a Midnight Mass, was almost never released because of its controversial nature. See? Respect for other faiths, that is. Anyway, the bloke who wrote it, Ben Kowalewicz, said this:

“I’m a big advocate for children’s rights and this song looks at sexual abuse. It’s not against the church or anything, it’s more about that individual betrayal between adult and child. I don’t have the answers but hopefully if I sing about a certain issue it will get people talking about it.”

Whoops! Dawkins, a University-educated scientist, has been outdone by four self-confessed “lame” punk rockers from Canada. Not only do they have the common sense to actually tell which is worse - religion or child abuse - but they also tell their side with both grace and actual RESPECT for people other than themselves, something Dawkins doesn’t seem to know a whole lot about. Maybe I should convert to Billytalentism? 

Sadly, I appear to be in a minority. Seeing as how pretty much all of my friends are atheists its hard to express my disgust for this man without having hos own dogma thrown back at me. Does the word ‘Agnostic’ mean nothing anymore? I DON’T CARE ABOUT BLOODY TEAPOTS. Dawkins can be Jewish for all I care. It doesn’t stop him from being a dick.